


First step is the hardest

by Bacner



Series: A better universe. [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), MCU, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternating Points of View, Desert, Friendship, Gen, Hydra (Marvel Cinematic Universe), Post-S1, S.H.I.E.L.D. (Marvel Cinematic Universe), inner turmoil, probably not a fix-it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:20:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23304538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bacner/pseuds/Bacner
Summary: The first step is always the hardest, in - everything. Grant Ward doesn't like S.H.I.E.L.D. He doesn't like Hydra either. So he still is going to help.
Relationships: Grant Ward & Melinda May, Melinda May & Antoine Triplett
Series: A better universe. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1678087
Comments: 9
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dwalk1_2002](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dwalk1_2002/gifts), [joli_camarillo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/joli_camarillo/gifts), [lila_luscious1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lila_luscious1/gifts), [Patty_Parker60](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patty_Parker60/gifts).



> Disclaimer: I don't own anyone, Marvel does.

…Grant Ward was in trouble – actually, this was the misstament of the century, as he had lost everything: John was dead, Grant was failed, and S.H.I.E.L.D. was going to rebuild itself any-how – not that Grant cared about S.H.I.E.L.D. He did not care about it. He did not care about Hydra. He just wanted to be free – and now he was free. John was dead, he had no purpose left tying him down, and he could just go-

Okay, his former teammates had him captured, and Melinda had kicked in the throat: it hurt, but Grant would recover, he had been hurt worse, including that one time when he and Rumlow had strangled each other, (that was a while ago, but still). This would not slow him down, it was time for him to go and just be free.

“Hello, Ward.” Grant finally broke out of his inner musings and looked up for the first time. It was the Cavalry once again. He would have liked to say that she came to gloat, but somehow he knew that she was not. Neither was Tripp out there, next to Ward, in his impromptu cell.

“Ward,” Melinda said, almost gently. Ward stared at her, raising an eyebrow, implying that she could go on. “I see that you’re not even repentant-“

Ward chose to say nothing: forcing words through his throat still hurt, so he did not want to waste them.

“-But maybe you are regretful,” Melinda continued, but inwardly, Ward frowned. Something was off – Melinda was trying to channel her inner Romanoff, and that never worked for her for all sorts of reasons. “Are you?” the female agent continued. “Blink once for yes, none for no.”

“I am,” Grant decided not to play the game – he was not in the mood.

“So, you can talk,” Melinda frowned.

“Not very well,” Grant muttered. The metaphorical fire in his blood was dying down now that he was not using the memory of John to stoke it; he could use some homey dark hole to relax for several months after all. 

“I can work with that,” Melinda nodded, before pausing. “You want to try to get yourself out of the hole you dug yourself in?”

Grant did not care. But – “How?” he asked instead.

“By telling us what you know about Hydra-“ Grant raised an eyebrow. “Yes, ‘telling’ might be the wrong word here, but you can write it all down-“

Grant stiffened, as anger came back into his body. They killed John! They expected him to forget that now? They wanted him to care about himself? He did not care about himself! He did not care about S.H.I.E.L.D.!

…He did not care about Hydra either. John was not Hydra, but this was not about John. Grant was free now, and while working with S.H.I.E.L.D. to take down Hydra was not his idea of a free time, he did need time to figure out what to do next – Skye.

Grant did not know how he felt about Skye and everything about her; Skye was Skye. He knew that she was flawed – she was a human being, and all human beings had flaws, but maybe he did not care? Sigh. Failure always made it hard for him to think-

“Hey! Ward, man, don’t zone out on us, man!” Tripp snapped his fingers, causing Ward to in-deed snap out of it. “When you’re being a deliberate asshole is one thing, this is something else, and much worse, in a creepy way. Are you sure that’re you’re sane-?”

“Of course not,” this time Ward did not even have to lie. “Part of this, aren’t I? No one’s sane is a part of this!”

“You’re a liar,” Melinda said flatly.

“You’re in love with Coulson.”

“I’m trying to be your friend-“

Ward just stared. Melinda stared back. “Uh, you are in love with Coulson, everyone knows it, Romanoff told everyone before she joined the Avengers,” Trip should’ve held his mouth shut, and judging by Melinda’s look, she was seriously considering kicking him in the throat too.

“…Romanoff is no friend of mine, and you really should shut-up,” she told Ward, before switching her attention to Trip. “The next time you’re opening your mouth, I’m kicking you in it!”

Both men stared at her wide-eyed but said nothing.

“Now, back to you,” Melinda said wearily, turning back to Ward. “I don’t know what your psychology is-“

Grant gave her a look.

“What your game is-“

Grant’s look did not waver.

“Right. You really believe that you need to be crazy to work here-?”

“Yes, but good crazy,” Grant admitted readily. “Unlike Hydra, which is bad.”

“Well, we can work with that,” Trip just would not shut up. Melinda ignored him.

“I don’t know what happened to you,” she told Ward, (or otherwise she would really punch Trip, or even kick him where it hurts), “but would you believe me that this outlook isn’t okay-?”

“Life happened to me,” Grant shrugged. “Does it matter now?”

“…I used to give therapy to agents like you, before Bahrain,” Melinda muttered. The feelings of her old self-disgust rose back, but Melinda ignored them; somehow embracing them, while seeing them reflected in Grant’s eyes was wrong. “Maybe I should start them again, with you…”

Grant shrugged. Trip blinked. “Not one word,” Melinda told him, before switching back to Ward. “And you? Start talking. Whom did Garret report to?” she paused, seeing something flicker in Grant’s eyes.

…The mention of Garret brought something to Grant’s mind, but seeing something in the Cavalry’s eyes reflect his own inner turmoil, Grant realized that he didn’t want to lash out here, and for real. “Hydra doesn’t work like that,” he spoke, authentically trying to stall while trying to sort out his thoughts.

Melinda frowned. Grant was probably stalling, but something in her gut told her that he was not exactly lying. “Then how does it work?” she did not back down.

Grant rubbed his throat with a sheepish, but pointed, look.

“Trip, get pencils and paper,” she told the other man present. “We’ve got to start somewhere-“

Trip nodded and left, clearly intimidated by Melinda.

“And don’t forget what I told you about therapy either,” Melinda turned back to Ward. “I’ll talk to Coulson-“

“Be careful,” Grant grunted with a visible effort. “The GH formula might’ve healed him, but with a cost. He has a new outlook on life – literally. Be careful.”

Melinda felt heat rising in her. Ward was back to his old tricks, and-

And there was nothing in his gaze, nothing but resolution, plus-

Plus she had to trust him, and there were the facts that Coulson himself, and a lot of the old guard, (before the Avengers took both S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra down), did not exactly recognize Phil Coulson anymore…

“We’ll talk about this later,” she told Grant simply. “After Trip comes back.”

Ward just nodded in agreement. 

The end?


	2. Sunny desert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of Fitz's new inventions goes awry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I still don't owe anyone.

The desert is so sunny and cheerful that it is annoying. Melinda hates outdoor missions. Grant has actually specialized in it as, well, a specialist, (pardon the tautology). Trip is located somewhere in the middle.

And Fitz? Fitz is being carried by Grant and Trip in turns, because he was able to knock himself out during the misfire and right now is next to useless, unfortunately.

There is no insistence of abandoning him, no matter how much the height-challenged Scott has been annoying since, well, ever, and this time it is largely his fault for them being caught in this mess - S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn't abandon its' own...

Melinda shakes her head - somehow, Grant and Trip were able to give her an improvised parasol after it became obvious that she was struggling the most out of the three of them. (There's a reason as to why she hates outdoor missions). Physically, it makes her feel better. Mentally, it makes her feel worse. She's the leader here, and while she isn't about to sign onto Phil's newest 'I'm the director' catchphrase, she doesn't want to be the vulnerable and weak on in the team; she had been on outdoors missions before-

-not for a long time, and certainly not after Bahrain. Melinda _did_ whip herself back into shape before 'the Bus mission', but endurance had been always her weakest point; there was a reason as to why she loved her fights brief-

"You threw our final fight, didn't you?" Melinda mutters before she could check herself. 

Both Grant and Trip blink and turn towards her - and this is when Fitz chooses to stir.

"Mommy, I smell smoke," he mutters sleepily into Trip's shoulders and nape and goes back into the oblivion of sleep.

There is a pause as the other agents turn around and sniff the air. None of them may be an ogre such as Rumlow is, (and Melinda doesn't want to even think about him; compared to Rumlow Grant is outright humane and manageable at the worst of times), but yes, they all are trained well enough to smell smoke - and that usually is bad.

Slowly, the trio turned around and there's smoke coming from between a pair of dunes off to their side. They slowly move towards it, (though Trip is in the end, because of extra weight of Fitz), and soon enough they see signs of fighting and they see blood, all coming from a very dead couple of people lying in the conveniently remote and private thorn bush copse between the paired dunes in question.

Once it might've been a retreat, a hideaway, no matter how thorny. Now - not at all.

And then something moved among the rocks. Melinda twitched, and prayed that it was a snake, a lizard, a lucky - or an unlucky - pet, anything but a-

"Da! Da!"

\- a toddler. A toddler who knows how to walk, more or less, but doesn't really know how to talk, it sees; it is sunburned and confused rather than scared for now, (and no one can really register its' gender for now), but as the trio scoopes it up, (almost dropping Fitz, but almost doesn't count), they don't really care.

-And then, _of course_ , things snap back to normal, and they're back in their current base.

"Mel, I'm so happy to see that you're back from wherever Fitz's experiment has sent you," Coulson begins, when he sees the baby. "You know that you may have changed the fabric of our time and space, do you?"

Melinda quietly gets up and shakes herself, to loosen herself up. She's been sunburned, she's been self-embarrassed, she got sand where sand shouldn't be, and right now, she really doesn't want Phil to channel his inner director on top of it. "Phil-"

"The director is sorry!" Skye quickly jumps between the two senior agents. "Right, DC?"

"Yes," Phil nods with all the enthusiasm of a man who's aware that he has just dodged a bullet. "Mel-"

"Phil," Melinda isn't backing down, but neither is she pushing forwards. "Don't go there, not now, not while I still got sand...I know not where, among other things on my mind," she looks at Skye. "Can you watch the kid while we go and clean ourselves up?"

"Uh," Skye looks as if she might have a breakdown herself, and not a small one.

"It's only temporary," Fitz pipes up. "This isn't S.H.I.E.L.D.'s kindergarten, you know!"

"S.H.I.E.L.D. has its own kindergarten?" Skye blinks, before turning to Coulson. "Right, you people go and shower or whatever. Me and DC need to talk about some things!" and there's an undertone in her voice that makes Melinda feel oddly proud, so she complies, with Skye's request, and leaves, with Trip and Ward taking Fitz to the men's showers at the base.

Things are certainly changing here, that's for certain!


	3. Skye's first specialist mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Skye isn't handling her first mission as a specialist all too well. Her friends are here to help, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Marvel owns everyone.

…When Tripp found Skye, sitting in a remote corner of the base and looking decisively worse for wear after the entire Donnie Gill situation, he immediately knew as to what was wrong with her.

“Whom did you have to kill?” he asked without his usual tact.

“Donnie,” Skye looked away, both appearing and sounding miserable. “I had to kill him. He may’ve been Hydra, but, still, I killed him!”

“Yes, yes, I know,” Tripp said, trying his best to sound consoling…and not just for the obvious reasons. “Plus, if I remember you grew up in a Christian orphanage-“

Immediately, something seemed to flip in the young woman as she whirled around and gave Tripp a gimlet stare, (albeit the remaining tears in her eyes and on her face belied the effect somewhat): “Don’t talk about it!” she snapped. “Please,” she added belatedly. “I just really hate talking about it or remembering about it.”

“Why?” Tripp could not help but to ask.

“Because it wasn’t family! It wasn’t home!” Skye snapped. “I may be an American, but I will never be a Catholic! All religions are drugs for people anyhow! Anyone in the Rising Tide can tell you this!”

“Okay,” Tripp blinked. On one hand, Skye was out of her funk. On the other, Tripp felt like he was being out of his loop here and did not want to make a mistake – the consequences could be explosive. “Let’s go.”

“Where to?” Skye blinked.

“To your S.O,” Tripp shot back.

/ / /

…In hindsight, this was probably a mistake, because when Skye saw Grant, her inner fire flared up even more.

“This, this, he, he, he isn’t my S.O. anymore,” she sputtered, glaring at Tripp in a less than appreciated manner.

“Maybe not, but nevertheless,” Tripp said quickly, as he thrust Skye towards Ward. “Grant, listen, Skye has killed Donnie Gill and is feeling down-“

“Really? I wouldn’t say,” Grant did not look very impressed with Tripp either. “Skye, did you know that Tripp’s last girlfriend punched him in the face so hard that he had a broken cheek-bone? And that was just the beginning of his problems?”

“Really?” Skye eyed Tripp in a decisively unfriendly manner.

“Hey, hey, let’s not talk about me,” Tripp said quickly. “Let’s talk about Skye and how she has killed someone for the first time in her life. Ward-“

“The first time I have killed someone was probably on my second mission. S.H.I.E.L.D. was doing its’ regular clean-up duty in Tanzania, and things got gnarly,” Grant shrugged. “Things got gnarly, there was a shoot-out, I brought someone down and stayed alive-“

“That’s not what I had-“

“Of course not,” Grant did not argue and that caught Skye flat-footed. “Skye, you’ve never read the booklets that I gave you back on the Bus, did you-?”

“No-“

“Well, if you did then you would’ve known that being a specialist isn’t all this glamorous, though it did used to be well-paid,” Ward shrugged. “Skye, what do you think S.H.I.E.L.D. specialists do? You wanted this; you got it and enjoy it!”

“How dare you-!” Skye howled.

“I dare because this is what I have done, one way or another, for most of my tenure in S.H.I.E.L.D., especially since I graduated from the Academy!” Grant howled back as the two of them glared at each other with burning gazes. “Skye, if you’re a specialist, it means that you got better training than an average field agent, and that means that you get more responsibilities as well as privileges! You do not like to kill – figure out different ways to solve the problem! You are a specialist, you are better, you are smarter than the rest – act like it!”

Skye got onto her feet and slammed her hands into Grant’s table – hard. The latter was not impressed or intimidated, however. “And this is why I never wanted you to become a specialist,” he told Skye flatly. “It doesn’t suit you. You do not suit it. But since S.H.I.E.L.D. isn’t what used to be, you need just make do with the cards that you’ve been dealt, however you want to.”

“Easy for you to say – you’re the T-1000-“

“Yes, well, I never wanted you to be like me. I do not think that you should be like me. You should be like yourself-“

“Yes, well, thanks to everyone in my childhood I don’t know just who I am to begin with,” Skye said bitterly, with hair falling down her face and obscuring it.

“Yes you do,” Grant said cheerfully. “You just haven’t acknowledged it yet!”

Silence felt once more. “Maybe,” Skye said quietly. “Thanks, Grant.”

“You’re welcome.”

Before silence could return, Melinda appeared. “Glad to see that you’re all working together,” she said simply. “I got us all citronella!”

“The what?” Tripp blinked. “Who’s in charge of the kitchen, anyhow?”

“No one specifically,” Melinda admitted. “We all take turns, it seems. Today will be Hindu food. Yesterday was British, because Lance Hunter was in charge, and tomorrow – who knows?”

Silence fell, but it was a more companionable kind of silence. “…We’ll have to have a debrief regarding today’s mission regarding Donnie Gill still,” Melinda finally pointed out, with some reluctance, (by her standards anyhow).

“Fine,” Daisy nodded simply. “But, everyone? Thanks for your support.”

And everyone just nodded in reply.

End


	4. Melinda's morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melinda once had a dream about her life. Somewhere during her life, she ended up being a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Marvel still owns everyone.

Sometimes, when Melinda May wakes up in the morning, (early or late – it does not matter), and looks around, she wonders when her dream went sideways and where did it end up, and why did it end up here, and so on.

Melinda and her mother have their differences and don’t always get along, (Melinda also misses her grandma, but the latter is certainly, definitely, most assuredly dead now – right?), but Melinda has to admit that out of the two of them her mother is the more sensible woman, her post-retirement dreams of living a house with jasmine and chrysanthemums growing in the backyard and on the front lawn. Simple, nice, and a standard white-collar family – husband, wife, the appropriate number of children – living, well, inside. The family might be WASPs, or POCs, or whoever, but the basic idea never changes, and it is a good one.

…So, how does Melinda fit into this? She does not. She is… she’s not as young as she once was, and after Bahrain – she is never quite the same as to who she once was, (and Romanoff can just stuff her advice, thank you very much), - and she is still a field agent.

She should’ve just ignored Fury and Hill way back then and not join Coulson’s new happy little crew, an artificial family of sorts, and just retired from S.H.I.E.L.D. as she intended to. Instead… she didn’t, (and she honestly doesn’t know why), and fell along, and now she’s still a part of S.H.I.E.L.D., only between the Hydra uprising and Captain America and his people turning onto S.H.I.E.L.D. because of the entire Winter Soldier mess, S.H.I.E.L.D. is just a pale shad-ow of its’ old glory, and that is just sad.

So, why is she here? Plenty of people, (such as Tripp’s ex), did not stick around, but joined the FBI, the CIA, or anything else, really, and they are not coming back. They are continuing fighting the good fight…or just have retired and are living a civilian life instead. So why doesn’t May? She does not know.

Maybe it is because of Coulson, she does not know. Their relationship goes way back, to their preteen years, when Melinda’s family moved into the Coulson family’s old house and the two preteens made a friendship. It was not a perfect friendship, nowhere near it, but Phil and Mel stuck to it as the years went by and they joined S.H.I.E.L.D.

…Yes, it was Phil’s ideas, most of their ideas are Phil’s, but Melinda does not truly mind – yes, Phil’s ideas are aggravating, but they are also fun. Melinda could do with some fun. Sometimes. However, she does follow Phil’s lead more often than not, whether it is a good idea or not, so there!..

…Of course, none of Melinda’s S.H.I.E.L.D.-related situation may be related to Phil. What does Grant Ward, of all the people, say? That S.H.I.E.L.D. collects all those that are lost, who have no purpose and gives them one? She still doesn’t entirely trust the younger man, not after the entire mess with him and John Garrett, but, sadly, the man does seem to know his S.H.I.E.L.D., as no one can really find a counterargument to this statement…not that anyone cares about it – they just keep on going their daily business, affected or not, and that includes Coulson, (and Ward himself, actually)… and Melinda.

Melinda, for all of her complaining, has no intention of quitting S.H.I.E.L.D., but she has to admit that it would be nice, if only to herself, to know what she is doing here, (aside from the obvious)…

“Good morning, May!” Skye looked into the older woman’s room, flanked by some other familiar faces. “We brought you breakfast!”

…Breakfast in S.H.I.E.L.D. these days was even more communal than it was in the past, plus Skye still had not mustered subtlety these days all that well, training aside or not.  
“What have you done this time? Blown something up?” Melinda asked. “Combusted-?”

“No,” Skye said brightly, “no, nothing, not at all!”

Melinda sighed and got out of bed. This sort of thing had never been her mother’s dream, but Melinda did not care. Maybe her inner voice was right, (and so was Romanoff – maybe). Maybe Melinda really does need other people around. She does not care right now. She needs to get up and fix the latest mess – and also to have breakfast first.

Another exciting day is upon her.

End


End file.
